Archer and Lana vs. Coulson and May
Archer and Lana vs. Coulson and May is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Sterling Archer and Lana Kane from the animated television show, Archer, and Phil Coulson and Melinda May from the live-action television show, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Description Two secret agent teams square off against each other to prove once and for all who has the best agents! Interlude Boomstick: Secret agents, they are seen as the best of the best – best at getting into places where they shouldn’t be, best at ferreting out secrets, and best at kicking ass. Wiz: And in this Death Battle, we bring together two teams of secret agents to see who is the best. First of all, there’s the agents of ISIS, Sterling Archer and Lana Kane. Boomstick: And there’s then there’s the agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Phil Coulson and Melinda May. Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick. Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Archer and Lana Wiz: ISIS, the International Secret Intelligence Service, is a private intelligence agency, contracting to do covert operations, sometimes for the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, and sometimes, for others. Boomstick: ISIS’s...ISISizz...ISISISizz...anyway, their best agent is none other than Sterling Archer, code name Duchess... OK, this is getting really hard to take seriously. Wiz: Within the world of international intelligence, Archer is known as, “the world's most dangerous spy.” He always packs his Walther PPK, a Fairbairn–Sykes fighting knife in a sheath on his upper back, and even a .25 caliber pistol in his underwear. Boomstick: This is my weapon, this is my gun. This is for fighting, this is for fun. Wiz: Shut up, Boomstick. Archer is also seriously trained in Krav Maga, the martial art developed by the Israel Defense Force, and used by the Mossad. Boomstick: And then, there’s Lana Kane. She doesn’t seem to have a code name, outside of a group of nicknames that people hang on her due to her large size and violent temper. She also considers herself to be an even better agent than Archer. Wiz: It appears that Lana never goes anywhere without her twin TEC-9 machine guns, which she carries in shoulder holsters. Boomstick: Yeah, she’s got a pair of guns that I would love to get my hands on! Wiz: Boomstick! Boomstick: What? My Aunt Effie used to wear a pair just like that. At picnics, every time Uncle Bob would finish a beer, he would heave the bottle into the air, and Aunt Effie would shoot it before it hit the ground. As the party went on, and the beer kept flowing, sometimes she would get a little slow on the draw. That’s how she shot Cousin Abel that one time. That’s why we call him Dis-Abel to this day. Wiz: Sigh Well, fortunately, that little bit of hillbilly hilarity wouldn’t happen with Lana. Once, when showing off at the firing range, she fire a burst from her TEC-9, and left a string of bullet holes that made a perfect cursive 'L'. Boomstick: And Archer is no slouch with the shootin’ arn. At that same shooting range, he fired all seven rounds from his PPK without looking down range, and got ever bullet on target. Wiz: Yeah, as far as secret agents go, it’s hard to be more dangerous than Sterling Archer and Lana Kane. Coulson and May Boomstick: The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division...Good God almighty, someone definitely was willing to jump through a series of hoops to get an acronym that spells out "S.H.I.E.L.D.!" Wiz: Organized in 1967, S.H.I.E.L.D. has fought Hydra, and a host of other bad-guys, employing many sunglassed and besuited agents, all of them pretty interchangeable. Boomstick: All interchangeable but one, Agent Phil Coulson. Coulson was Nick Fury’s right-hand man, the go-to guy he could count on to handle any situation, whether it required sneaking around, negotiations or some good, solid violence. Wiz: And when it came to violence, Coulson inevitably turned to Agent Melinda May. Boomstick: Referred to as “the Cavalry,” Agent May enjoys a reputation within S.H.I.E.L.D. as an ass-kicker who can accomplish the impossible. Wiz: She has fought bad-guys one at a time, two at a time, and even taken on whole groups. Boomstick: And when it comes to hardware, they never seem to go anywhere unarmed, packing the standard S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued firearm, the Smith & Wesson M&P9. Wiz, did I ever tell you about the M&P9 I got for my ninth birthday? Wiz: No, and I hope you never do. Boomstick: Oh, it was beautiful. I used to sleep with it every night, tucking it under my pillow for security. It protected me against the monsters under my bed. Of course, there was that one night that memaw came to check on me. I don’t think that she was ever the same after that. Wiz: I don’t think that your memaw was right to begin with. Anyway, yes, the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. have a whole arsenal to draw on. Agents Fitz and Simmons keep them outfitted with a lot of useful weapons and devices. Boomstick: Including the Incapacitating Cartridge Emitting Railguns or I.C.E.R. A gun that only puts people to sleep, and that’s it? What’s the point? Wiz: And, most importantly, Phil Coulson’s prosthetic hand, which can create an energy shield, and gives him a lot of strength in that hand. Boomstick: Yeah, there’s little that this dynamic duo cannot accomplish, and if you get in their way, you had just better watch out! Intermission Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE! Pre-Fight On the third level of the vertical parking garage, Sterling Archer, Lana Kane and Ray Gillette stood alongside a light blue Chevrolet van. Archer was in his favorite black turtleneck and black pants, while Lana was dressed in her white sweater dress, and Ray wore khaki pants and a black sport shirt. “OK, Ray, this should be a piece of cake,” Archer stated. “All you have to do is deliver the cargo and come right back.” Ray looked sourly at Archer, and said, “Yeah, what could possibly go wrong? I’m just delivering a million dollars worth of cocaine to a drug kingpin.” Archer smiled and said, “I know, right? Even you couldn’t mess this one up.” “And you two are going to be how far behind me?” Ray asked. “Don’t worry, Ray,” Lana said. “We’ll be three car-lengths back at all times, keeping you under constant surveillance. If anything were to go wrong, we’ll be right there.” “OK,” Ray sighed. “But, don’t lose me.” “God, Ray,” Archer interjected. “You’re being followed by the best spy in the business…” “And Archer will be there, too,” Lana finished for him. Archer turned and scowled at her. * * * One level down, in the same parking garage, agents Phil Coulson and Melinda May stood in a shadowed corner, beside a dark green Cadillac Escalade. Coulson’s gaze swept the garage. “According to Bobbi, they should be here any moment,” he said. Melinda looked at him. “Are you sure about their powers?” she asked. Coulson gave her a lopsided smile, and said, “Air and strength, that’s all I know. But, as long as nobody does anything stupid, it should be a piece of cake.” Suddenly, two women stepped out of a stairwell, and began walking up the deck of the garage towards them. Coulson and May walked out to meet them. The two pairs stopped about twenty feet apart. * * * “OK, Ray, lets mount up and get going,” Archer declared. Ray walked over to the door of the van and pulled it open, while Archer and Lana walked over to the driver’s side door of a black 1968 Plymouth GTX. “Lana, what are you doing?” Archer asked. “You know I’m driving.” “No-ope,” Lana declared. “This is too important. I am taking the wheel.” “''Lana, I’m ten-times the driver you are. And this car has a 426 HEMI engine. It has 433.5 horsepower, delivering 472 foot-pounds of torque. You would never be able to control it.”'' “I’ve driven a Formula One race car. The best thing you are good at driving is me...crazy!” Neither one heard the engine of Ray’s van start up, nor did they hear the vehicle begin driving down the deck’s slope. * * * Coulson kept his arms at his sides, and maintained a relaxed stance. When on a mission, May never looked relaxed, Coulson mused. “So,” he called out. “You have some information for us?” “Yeah,” one of the women called out. “And in return, we get hidden away, right?” Coulson drew in a breath of air to answer, when suddenly a van rounded the corner behind the women and rolled right towards them. “It’s a trap!” one of the women yelled. The second woman lifted her arm, and before the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents could react, she fired a fierce blast of air at them. The two agents flew backwards, one to the left and one to the right. The first woman leapt at the oncoming van, and shoved her hands into the hood. The metal compressed under the impact, as the back end of the van rose up, and then dropped loudly to the ground. The van had been instantly stopped. The woman raced to the passenger side door and yanked it open, pulling the door completely off of the vehicle. Ray looked over at the woman in stunned surprise The first woman got into the passenger seat, while the second one climbed into the back. The first woman snatched Ray’s pistol out of his shoulder holster, and crushed it in her bare hands. “Dukes!” Ray shouted in surprise. The woman bared her teeth at him, and snarled, “Drive this thing, or you’re a dead duke.” A look of surprise flashed across Ray’s face. “Was that a joke?” he asked. “Drive!” the woman shouted. Ray stamped down on the accelerator, and the van surged past the recovering S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Coulson and May drew their firearms, and began firing at the retreating van. * * * Archer and Lana’s argument was cut short by a loud crash, followed by a smaller one, followed by the sound of squealing tires, and then gunshots. “Shit!” Lana yelled, as she drew her TEC-9s. Archer drew his Baretta, and both ran around the corner of the deck. There before them were two people, a man and a woman, both firing at Ray’s van. Lana squeezed the triggers of her weapons, sending a hail of bullets towards the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. As soon as the firing started, Coulson and May leapt off to the side, each one behind a car opposite the other. FIGHT! Crouched behind a car, Melinda May drew her firearm, looked over at Coulson, and asked, “Uninvited guests?” Phil Coulson smiled and shrugged, “What can I say?” he asked. “Everybody loves a party.” Then they stood up, raised their guns, and began firing back at their attackers. Archer and Lana dove for cover. * * * Lana looked over at Archer, and asked, “Who are these guys?” Archer rolled his eyes, and leaped up, firing his Baretta at his opponents. “Duh, Lana,” he said. “They’re obviously cartel hitmen, sent to disrupt our transaction, and RAY drove right into them! He should have been more careful in what he was doing!” “I’m out,” he added dropping back down, and reaching into his jacket for another clip. Lana stood up, and opened fire with her TEC-9s. “Really, you’re going to start the blame game now? You were supposed to be right behind him, providing security. I’m out,” she said, dropping down, and pulling out two more clips. Archer stood up, and fired at the SHIELD agents. “And I would have been, if you hadn’t stopped me by trying to take my car. I’m out.” * * * Coulson pointed the palm of his prosthetic hand up the deck of the garage. The many metallic cars played havoc with his sight, but he nonetheless he saw enough. He turned to May, and said, “There are two of them. They are on opposite sides, providing cross-firing positions for each other.” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a stun grenade shaped like a hockey puck. He looked over at May, who nodded. He released the safety and rolled the grenade towards the other two. * * * “Jesus, Lana, can’t you ever admit when you’re wrong?” Archer demanded. Suddenly, a black hockey puck rolled between them. Archer’s eyes went wide. The grenade wobbled, and then fell flat. “Shit!” Lana just had time to shout before the grenade exploded with a bright flash and a deafening report. * * * The two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents charged forward. May leaped onto and over the hood of the last car, kicking Lana in the chest and sending her flying. Archer was already up on one knee, with his Baretta leveled at May. Coulson slammed his prosthetic hand into the car in front of it, sending it skidding several feet and knocking Archer over. May and Lana squared off against each other, and began trading blows. Coulson quickly grabbed Archer, and pulled him to his feet. “All right, who do you work for?” he demanded. Archer looked at him seriously, “Well, I hate to tell you, but your mama.” With that, Archer kneed Coulson in the groin, gave him a chop to the neck, and when he had bent over, he threw him headfirst into the next car. Meanwhile, May grabbed Lana and dropped down into a flip, tossing her onto the hood of a nearby car. She slid across the metal and dropped out of sight on the far side. May leaped to her feet just in time to see Archer charging towards her. She dropped into her fighting stance. Archer grabbed a hold of May, raised his right arm, and brought his elbow down into her left shoulder. May cried out in pain, dropped down onto her heels, and spun out in a kick, knocking Archer’s legs out from under him. May moved in to stamp on Archer, but before her foot landed, he did a half roll away, and then rolled back, and grabbed her leg. He lifted and tossed her chest-first into the side of a car. Archer leaped up, and threw himself against May, just as Lana appeared around the corner of the car. As she moved towards Archer and his opponent, Coulson rose up behind her, and gave her a chop to the base of the neck. Lana went down onto all fours, and immediately kicked backwards with her left leg. She was rewarded with an impact, and a grunt of pain coming from behind her. She rose to her feet, and began trading blows with Coulson. He leaped into a kick that threw her head back, but before he could land, she seized his leg. She spun, and threw him into a car. He leaped back to his feet and reengaged her. * * * May leaped onto Archer’s shoulder, and spun around, spinning him around 360 degrees, and dropping him to the ground. She rolled off of him, and grabbed his left arm. She planted her feet against his chest and head, and began pulling. Archer grunted in pain, and slapped the ground with his right hand. His fingertips brushed something on the ground, and he looked over to see one of Lana’s TEC-9s. He looked farther along the garage deck, and saw a parked truck. “Lana!” he shouted. “You’re going to have to trust me!” Lana was struggling for breath in Coulson’s grip, and her eyes went wide. “Archer, no!” she shouted. “Every time you say you say that, you do something fantastically stupid!” Archer moved his hand, and closed his fingers over the grip of the TEC-9. “Not this time!” he yelled back triumphantly. He rolled over May, and slammed the machine pistol into Melinda May’s face, causing her to release the grip on his arm. Immediately, he leaped to his feet, and charged towards Lana and Coulson, spraying bullets at the truck, which was filled with propane tanks. Coulson’s eyes went side at the site of the bullets tearing into the propane tanks, and didn’t even resist when Archer wrenched the woman out of his arms. Archer kept firing as he and Lana caromed into the short wall of the garage level. The propane gas reached a critical mass, and the last bullet detonated it, sending a massive explosion throughout the level of the garage. Archer and Lana were shoved over the wall, and the two plummeted to the ground, landing in a mass of thick evergreen bushes. “Ow.” Archer croaked. K.O.! Archer and Lana stood up in the bushes, and looked at each other. Both agents were singed, and had wisps of smoking rising from them. “Jesus, Archer!” Lana yelled. “That was the stupidest thing you have ever done!” Archer stuck his finger in his ear and turned it around. “What?” he asked. Lana looked back at him blankly. “What?” she asked. * * * A few of blocks away, Ray Gillette pulled the van up to a halt next to a bus stop. “Well, this is where you ladies get out,” he announced with a smile. The woman in the seat next to him handed him his crumpled pistol. “Sorry about that, Ray,” she said, sounding genuinely sorry. “That’s OK, Bonny, I can get a new one,” he answered. Bonny leaned over and kissed Ray on the cheek. “It was nice meeting you, Ray. You’re a sweet guy,” The two women exited the van, and ran off, down the street. Ray turned around at the sound of the explosion, and looked back to look at the fireball rising from the garage. He shook his head sadly, put the van back into drive, and turned it in a U-turn. Results Boomstick: POW! He he. I like a good propane bar-b-que! Wiz: You mean a propane explosion. Boomstick: Is there a difference? Wiz: At your house? None that I've ever noticed. Boomstick: And all good bar-b-ques begin with a fight...or end with one. Or, both! Wiz: Well this one certainly did. And, it was a heck of a fight. The ISIS agents and the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were both very well trained, and have overcome many powerful opponents. Boomstick: But, what gave the ISIS agents the advantage was Archer’s Toon Force ability to pull extreme stunts and get away with them. Wiz: While Coulson and May often overcome opponents with training, preparation and raw ability, Archer can often do something that should be disastrous but nonetheless works for himself and Lana. Boomstick: Like the time that they were on an arms dealer’s ship, and Archer fired into an explosives cache, causing an explosion that blew the ship into splinters. But, when all was said and done, there was Archer and Lana in the water, seemingly none the worse for wear. Wiz: It was a veritable ace-in-the-hole that left the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents simply... Boomstick: Roasted. Wiz: The winners are Sterling Archer and Lana Kane. Poll How many stars would you rate this battle? 5 stars 4 stars 3 stars 2 stars 1 star Category:What-If? 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